13 Unprecedented Big Boob Problems.

Any woman with big breasts will tell you there are a myriad issues associated with them but while some like back-aches and posture issues are well known there are others that get less representation. Here is a (sadly-hilarious) list of 13 problems that may not be commonly known.

Written by Aarushi Ahluwalia

All you ever hear about are back aches and lack of correct bra sizes on the market, the reality of big boob problems is much worse, such as:

One time I got hit in the face with my tit while running. All because I failed to put on the extra reinforced (it’s like armour) sports bra on one fucking occasion. I’m not kidding. One of them just got loose, swung itself around and hit me in the face

Also, when boob sweat accumulates under huge boobs for all the years of your existence, you get blackheads and little pimples under there. Boob-powdering is a thing. A thing I never heard mentioned but have never been able to live without ever.

That “correct way to put on a bra” thing really matters to the big boobed. Otherwise it just feels like packing trash into a ripped garbage bag.

A friend of mine has big boobs that on a size-scale can only be described as glorious, she told me that when she lies on her stomach she has to part her boobs so she can create a comfortable level. Also so her boobs won’t get hurt. Lying on your stomach can be an adventure sport for the big boobed.

Oh and the attention from men! I don’t just mean in the street. See, my breasts have never been an erogenous zone for me but I was often approached by men who were, uhm, fixated on my huge giant breasts. As a result my breasts got a lot of..loving attention. It’s not fair that i should have to endure having my nipples licked by hundreds of guys for hours just because I have big boobs.

On a different note, I have literally never been able to find any of the stuff I’ve lost in there. I once lost a piano, maybe someday my nipples will find it and teach themselves how to play it.

And the bra size thing is actually a problem. Pretty big boob bras are more expensive than pretty small boob bras, even the trashy stuff, it physically hurts me when someone rips one of them. I probably sacrificed a week of rent for that bra but that’s not the actual size problem, there are constraints but I am usually able to find the right size and style. The real size problem is that clothing brands refuse to recognize that someone can be a size 16 around the chest and a size 12 around the hips. Expecting a woman to have a uniform dress size for her whole body is the real unrealistic expectation if you ask me.

Also if you text me after midnight (ie: when I am half-laying on my back in bed), at least 50% of the text is typed by my boob. They keep sending half completed texts and clicking on spam links. Goodness knows how many Nigerian princes I’ve almost helped smuggle money out of the country.

Speaking of lying on my back, if I arch backwards, my boobs smother me and i die. They are a deadly weapon attached to my chest and I’m destined to die in friendly fire.

Honestly sometimes I can’t breathe and feel like I have no neck when I settle into bed for sleepy time. When I’m ovulating, I’m basically engaging in auto-asphyxia. (Kindly note how I didn’t say auto-erotic).

Chest meat comes with upper-arm meat. Upper arm meat is hard to drop.

Also, you know because of the connection between weight and gravitational pull sometimes my boobs point downwards and i can’t find my nipple through the bra because it has decided to relocate seventeen inches south of where it is supposed to be. My nipple is pierced and i still can’t find it.

I haven’t left the house without a bra since 2001..when I was 10.

Big boobs really are a pain in the back. Gotta go smother myself to sleep now.

Published by thejadedpamphleteer

Women's rights activist. Journalist. Writer. Pamphleteer. Cat obsessed.

One thought on “13 Unprecedented Big Boob Problems.

  1. I should come up with a list of 13 unprecedented small penis problems. It would be easy enough given that I have the AAA-cup of willys… measuring in at 6.4 centimeters and no thicker than my thumb. This is technically known as a micropenis and non-technically known as wahahaha-thats-tiny. Oh well, we all have our crosses to bear… some are big and some are small. 😂

    Like

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