A Comprehensive Review Of All Period Products.

Periods and period products are all a nightmare. Here is my hilarious review of all the products I have used.

Written by Aarushi Ahluwalia

This is my extensive and possibly completely useless guide and review for all the period products I have used.

…..

Product Name: Basic-Ass Sanitary Napkins

Description: They’re fat, cheap, narrow and feel like you’re putting a doll’s bed between your legs. Which is, an odd experience.

Experience: I first used these during my first period. I knew what a period was and what I had to do during it but, I didn’t know exactly how to use this product and I ended up putting the side with the adhesive upwards (stuck to the vagina) leading to a strange week when I wondered why they would make a period product that tried to rip my skin off. I hated them even after I figured out how to use them but over the years (especially after the number of times I just happened to be in villages and small towns when I got my period) after having used several other products I came to realise these are actually much better than other pads. They last about the same time, they’re more comfortable against your skin than other pads and they cost less.

Questions though:

  1. How about putting a “this side down” sign on the sticky end? A girl’s first brazilian shouldn’t be on the same day as her first period.

Worst thing about it: The lumpy feeling between your legs and the environmental impact.

Best thing about it: They are cheap and if you’re going to bleed on something and throw it away, make it cheap.

Expert Opinion: I hate my period, this does not make it better.

Rating: Three out of five blue blood droplets.

……

Product Name: Winged, Scented Elaborate Sanitary Pads.

Description: They’re thin. They’re winged. They smell like flowers allegedly. The come with roll up disposable plastic wrappers because why not more plastic?

Experience: Let me just say right away, I hate these pads so much. The glue sucks, especially in the wings so they never ever stay in place, I just always accidentally stick the wings onto the pad somehow (I am not very dextrous). Apparently these pads can absorb a lot more blood but i have never seen that because they also just get bunched up and become like a thin vertical line of bloody plastic-ey cotton. Also extremely rough feeling against your skin.

Questions though:

  1. What’s with the flower scent? It doesn’t actually smell flowery and I don’t actually mind the smell of blood but seriously fake flower+crystallized blood= Barf
  2. Why do you think the disposal wrapper thing works? It doesn’t. Neither your glue nor your environment game is on point!
  3. Explain the name whisper. Seriously, explain it. Who is whispering and why and about what?

Worst thing about it: The fucking scent. Why do you want women’s menstruating vaginas to smell like meadows?

Best thing about it: Nope. Not a thing.

Expert Opinion: I hate my period, this does not make it better.

Rating: Two out of five blue blood droplets.

……

Product Name: Tampons

Description: A wad of cloth, cotton, plastic shaped like a bullet that you can choose to shoot into you with an injection style applicator or just push in with your hands.

Experience: The weirdest part of my experience with tampons has been dealing with all the people who are sure I will die of Toxic Shock Syndrome. I find tampons comfortable to insert and uncomfortable to remove, I realise insertion (and how India feels about women putting things inside their vaginas) is the reason they are so uncommon in India. However you can safely use tampons (even if you have never had penetrative sex before). The chances of TSS are quite low especially if you regularly change them. They are easier to store, dispose and carry. They are however more expensive and accessibility is a problem. I have used tampons for thirteen years but in smaller towns and cities, I can never buy them at pharmacies. Some pharmacists have been downright confused by what I asked for and when you get used to tampons, it is actually quite hard to go back to pads. They are however more expensive than all other menstrual products on this list.

Questions Though:

  1. Why have pharmacists in India been storing tampons in the refrigerator? Seriously, I am not kidding. I have experienced this 6-7 times, in multiple cities, and none of them can explain why they do it, they just do.
  2. I realise all tampons say I can pee with them in and biologically I should be able to but then…why can’t I?

Worst thing about it: They dry you out.

Best thing about it: Pretty mess-less. If you care about that.

Expert Opinion: I hate my period, this does not make it better.

Rating: 4 our of 5 blue droplets of blood.

….

Product Name: Menstrual Cup or Diva Cup

Description: A silicon cup that you insert inside yourself and it gathers all the blood through suction in the cup and then you wash it out every 4-6 hours or so.

Experience: So this was supposed to be the miracle cure. It’s 300-500 rupees a year in terms of money so extremely cheap. It’s much, much more environmentally sound than any other products but IT IS DEFINITELY TRYING TO KILL YOU.

Okay.

So I got one. I kept it on my bathroom shelf for a month. Right next to the tampons. Finally I decided to try it. It’s shapes like a cup so you have to kinda fold it in on itself to insert, apparently this is extremely easy, but I beg to differ. Between long, sharp nails and a slight but extremely irrational fear that the suction would suck out my entire uterus (I know that’s dumb!), I could not

for the life of me insert it. I had to get my partner involved (he’s a doctor so he’s really not squeamish about bodily fluids or weird insertions and this is why I cannot be a doctor), and after 20-minutes of trying, he got it in me. It felt like it was suctioning my insides so I freaked out and told him to take it out immediately.

A day later, we tried again. This time I didn’t even try to do this myself, just asked him. It only took 19-minutes that time. I managed to withstand it for an hour. Then I pulled it out and GOT BLOOD EVERYWHERE!

Either this product is a wreck or I am.

Questions though:

  1. How do I get it out without spilling blood everywhere? Not everyone is dextrous!
  2. Is it sucking out my uterus?
  3. How are people successfully inserting these themselves?

Worst thing about it:

  1. This is a two person job.
  2. The job still won’t be done.

Best thing about it:

  1. Cheap.
  2. Really efficient if you hate yourself.

Expert Opinion: I hate my period and this definitely made it worse.

Rating: One out of five blue droplets of blood.

Published by thejadedpamphleteer

Women's rights activist. Journalist. Writer. Pamphleteer. Cat obsessed.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: