What I Learnt From My First Men’s Magazine.

I just read a men’s magazine from cover to cover for the first time and I’ve learnt some hilarious and horrifying lessons. Here are the best, most ridiculous things I’ve learnt.

Written by Aarushi Ahluwalia

The strange lessons I have learnt from reading my first men’s magazine:

I am terrible at one night stands because I have said the words: We’re just two trains passing in the night.
Goddamit sometimes two trains do pass at night. Literally and figuratively. Fuck you, GQ.

I get to decide what flowers I want at the wedding (because I have a vagina and petals work for both flowers and vaginas so by that logic, obvs) but none is not a valid choice.

I should not “be me” during sexytimes because it may involve knives and bodily fluids other than semen (like, female ejaculate and that’s too weird for the men who read these magazines)

My version of chivalry is straight-up sexist because I am totally okay with a man ordering my dinner. Actually, order me two dinners. One two take home with me after you respect my choice to not touch your pickle because you bought me two dinners. Seriously, I’m a strong independent busy woman, I don’t have the time to read a menu, okay? If that makes me sexist, so be it. At least, I don’t have to read a menu.

Silver wedding ring = Cheap = Totally me. Thanks man

I am never getting married because apparently blowjobs are the first thing to disappear after tying the knot. Oh wait, I did it already, I did get married. GQ, you wrong, buddy.

None of my relationships can last because I am comfortable with my partners peeing while I am in the bathroom and watching me pee. Apparently access to each other’s urea and ammonia is a relationship killer and mine is destined for death.

I shouldn’t have a bar at my wedding because it is an unnecessary expense. There was a bar and it was the reason I saw both my mother and my husband puke and fall on the same night.

There might be a market for teaching men how to shave down there. Apparently some of them worry they might “slice an important part of their anatomy off”. I would love to see a man shave his own vagina and I would love it if my vagina was as easy to shave as a penis. I know, I totally generalized and was probably sexist. I should be made to read GQ monthly.

All their writers are paid with alcohol-advertisement money.

If I have 0 friends on Facebook, I have zero friends. Weirdly accurate.
But also, I need at least three friends: a wingman (that’s me), a wise man (that’s me) and a girl friend (also me). I am my own three-in-one super awesome best friends club.

What they should really be teaching boys as teenagers in school is how much they can drink without losing their wallets, tempers and erections. I think I could teach this class.

I’m crazy for thinking that if my man is fantasizing about the hot office intern during sex with me, he should have sex with her. Instead I am supposed to think it’s just normal for all straight men to think about all other women during sex except the one he might be with.

As a woman I don’t want to set my ex’s house on fire, murder his cat or drunk-dial him to tell him he sucks in bed (he does not and he does not read GQ either). This means I am (crazy and) going to ruin my current relationship because I have fond memories of past lovers that I will “drag like a carcass” into my current love. Because you know, women are idiots, can’t keep things separate or move on.

Boys want sex and men don’t. So I’ve been sleeping with middle-aged boys?
Actually, they might be onto something.

Men should not drink milky coffee. I myself loathe milk in coffee but I am allowed to drink it because I am a woman. This crap was written by the same guy who said I shouldn’t have a bar at my wedding. What the fuck does he drink? Pure natural manly cow piss? On the upside, it is holy.

I should expect to run into men at weddings dressed in velvet (and carrying swords). Basically, I should avoid weddings this year. That shouldn’t be hard in this world

There is no such thing as sexy male underwear.

I don’t have to be a virgin on my wedding night (that was only going to happen if I was a child-bride anyway) but it is not unreasonable to expect that I have one virgin hole. So, do me in the ear maybe? I’ve always wanted to try that but I was waiting for the right guy… blush (and then she went deaf). I can’t believe I actually read this presented as serious information

Men need to be taught how to grow a mustache. I, on the other hand, was born with a natural gift.

Here’s my takeaway: Burn them all down. I can never, even accidentally, read a men’s magazine again.

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