The Strange Sexual Habits of TV Women.

The pop-culture based representation of the sexual habits of women is woefully limited but with the right amount of levity, it’s also hilarious. Read our evaluation of the sexual habits of television-women for a few deeply sad laughs.

Written by Aarushi Ahluwalia

(Please note that I have not watched Game of Thrones.)

99% of sex occurs between a woman and her heterosexual partner.

It takes about 2-3 seconds to make a woman orgasm. First you push her into a wall, then you kiss her, then you pull her dress up (and of course all women wear only dresses) and then almost as soon as you touch her, she will orgasm. There is no work or skill involved whatsoever.

The g-spot is really located on the face of a woman. It is usually found on either cheek, just about an inch above the chin and it must be stroked gently. If you’re being unable to turn her on it’s obviously because you aren’t stroking that facial g-spot enough. I’ve seen them girls in movies, they’re putty when you do that. Women are decent creatures, you see, and decent creatures get off only when you respectfully and gently touch their faces.. apparently.

Orgasms seem to be this devastatingly painful thing for women. She’s actually meant to be writhing like you’re molesting her insides.

Only pretty girls get laid.

A woman can seemingly only have sex if she is wearing heels. Unless she’s in prison, in which case anything goes. I get that. All bets are off if I’m ever in prison. I’m so going to sleep my way to survival.

Lesbians only kiss and the sex is implied because apparently no screenwriter can figure out how lesbians sex?

All women wear matching underwear when they are being undressed by a sexual partner (again, unless you are in prison). Obviously this means that I am not a woman and haven’t been in many years. I used to be a woman. I used to pair red lace, with red lace. I used to care. Now I just pair red lace with nothing. I feel about panties the way most women feel about bras.

Based strictly on what I have viewed on television, woman on top is apparently the preferred sexual position (and most women keep their bras on during this orde..process). I don’t know what to do with that information. Such a weird angle. Shivers.

All women put on their boyfriends’ (usually white) shirts the morning after. Their own clothes are no longer comfortable after sexual Intercourse. This indicates that there is a moment in which we don’t care about how we appear to prospective mates, right after we’ve had sex. Sounds about right.

Women become prettier after the first time they have sex, it’s an instant change in appearance, but then after the first 100 times or so times (I’m just assuming because the conversion table on passage of time shots is really shaky) they start to become visibly more unkempt. Apparently long-term exposure to the same semen is bad for skin?

One of the following things is almost always what a woman does after sex:
a) Cuddle.
b) Has an existential crisis, an emotional breakdown and a life crisis all at once within six minutes of the last orgasm.
c) Sits under a shower or looks herself menacingly in the mirror.
d) Falls in love.
(Sidenote: It’s weird because I usually just get hungry so I make pasta. There is just too much evidence that I am not a woman.)

If a woman removes her glasses and combs her hair, she’s ready to have sex (and also she’s beautiful now).

The only sound a woman makes during sex comes from her mouth. Vaginas are completely silent and do not in any way contribute to any swishy-swashy sounds or sudden expulsions of air. Absolutely not. Just highly contained or conversely extremely aggressive moaning.

Published by thejadedpamphleteer

Women's rights activist. Journalist. Writer. Pamphleteer. Cat obsessed.

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