Guidelines for Modern Dating.

Dating isn’t quite what it used to be. Read our hilarious guide to help you transition to modern dating. Warning: Follow at your own risk.

Written by Aarushi Ahluwalia

Enjoy our guide to modern dating elucidated in the following rules and clauses:

The Houdini Rule

Immediately after you meet a person you like and take her/his phone number, you must disappear. Don’t add them anywhere. There is no 3-day rule per se, there’s a Houdini rule. This person must believe you have inexplicably vanished and s/he must go through the five stages of grief with the assumption that you are dead before you finally ask her/him out. And when you do ask them out, pretend you forgot their name and that’s why you couldn’t find their facebook.

The Routine

The old dating routine went: meet, call, first date, first kiss, second date, third date, sex.

The new dating routine goes: meet (but like digitally), sext, dick pic, boob pic, first Netflix and chill evening (read: sex, but like whatever you think sex is, none of the PiV shit)

Goals

The goal of modern dating is to find a sustainable fwb. Boy/Girlfriends are an outdated and archaic concept.This must be taught to your children early as well. Of course at their age the benefit is more likely to be cookies and video games but they need to know there’s no need to feel obligated to one person’s cookies.

Safety

Always check the person you meet out online, you never know what kind of creep or freak you may meet in the streets.

Decode Their Words

I’m not seeing anyone right now.
Means: I have five FWBs but my parents think I’m single.

I really want to focus on my career.
Means: I just got tinder/Grindr and i want to see how that goes before I make any decisions.

I’m not on Facebook.
Means: My boyfriend is in half my pictures on Facebook.

I’ve never dated online before.
Means: I only use the internet to get sex, and that is what you will be remembered as, as well.

That’s weird, I didn’t get your message.
Means: In this moment, I hate technological advancement for making it so hard to shun you and i wish I didn’t have to tell you this transparent lie.

Meeting The Parents

The economy is bad, you may end up meeting the parents way before you are ready or the relationship warrants it. The status of parents has been downgraded to the status of roommates in terms of modern dating, please proceed accordingly.

You Safe Space

It is generally okay to invite a new partner home but it is advisable to wait at least eight dates to friend them on Facebook. I shit you not, there is a study.

Currently Hot Professions/Jobs

  • Street artist/barista.
  • Digital Marketing (for the ones who like the ambitious types).
  • Instagram account-haver.
  • Owner of ironic hipster cafe (for the ones who like the successful types and deconstructed everything.)
  • Gym trainer (probably teaches a class called “Bust and booty knockout aerobics”)

Photographs

Don’t put your face in with a picture of your breasts/penis. Pixels are forever.

Golden Words of Modern Dating

Don’t touch anything, until you have enthusiastic consent. Don’t even hold hands. If you can, make each other sign something.

Published by thejadedpamphleteer

Women's rights activist. Journalist. Writer. Pamphleteer. Cat obsessed.

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