What Pick-Up Artists Have Taught Me About Getting Women.

Based on years of reading pick-up guides all over the internet and in men’s magazines, I feel ready to write my own pick-up guide.

Warning: Heavy sarcasm ahead.

Written by Aarushi Ahluwalia

My Own Very Brilliant Pick Up Guide.

Being able to pick up chicks is considered a necessary skill. It is important for men and women to have sex to propagate the species but mostly this skill is necessary because without it you, as a man, will have no confidence. However if you are a successful musician, a sportsperson or just goddamn rich you need not possess any skills. Some things money can’t buy but women aren’t one of those things. And quite obviously the hotter the woman, the richer you have to be to afford her. That’s just common sense.

There are different levels of proficiency that you can attain at picking up women.

One might think that a human being is a newbie at dating only during teenage but one is wrong, you can be fifty and still be a newbie if you don’t have the skills to get a dozen phone numbers a week with at least 50% of the women attached to the phone numbers willing to fuck you. Newbies can advance to expert level within a week with proper training. However if you are wealthy, you are never a newbie.

The best time for picking chicks up is during the day because there is almost no competition.

We all know that (straight) women are constantly desperate for male attention since we are almost always at the mercy of our baser instincts and the need to be fertilized and I am sure as women we all know that the worst part of the workday is that all the men in the building are too busy doing their big boy jobs to give us attention. I know for a fact that any man who threw me a bone between 8 AM and 7 PM while I alternatingly play tetris on my computer and paint my nails at my desk will be riding me like a chestnut mare that evening.

It’s okay to suck at picking up women but it is not okay to stop practicing.

It is advisable to try to pick up at least several women a day. Women love unsolicited male attention especially in spaces where they have their guards’ up, like the parking lot of a club or out in the streets, which is why the sample for you to practice on is enormous. Obviously it doesn’t matter whether you are genuinely interested in this woman; you will count any woman who returns your advances as a win and any rejections as practice. It’s all about the math when you’re learning. It helps not to think of women as people.

A man who does well with women establishes touch early on.

There should be touch throughout your interaction because she needs to know that she craves your brand of disinterested statistic-chasing masculinity. Pick up subtle cues like looking in your direction, touching her face, playing with her hair and know that this means that she is inviting you to touch her. You don’t actually have to hear her say the words, just put your hands on her with the confidence that you already own her.

Remember the golden rules of picking up women:

  • Always lift with your legs.
  • It doesn’t matter how you look, only how she looks.

Remember that all women want from men is approval.

(Just look at the father-daughter relationships in porn if you want proof)

Being someone who withholds that approval immediately makes you a more desirable mate. Make negative comments about her appearance and get her begging for your validation. She is nothing without your approval.

You will have to practice on less attractive chicks…

…(henceforth referred to as undesirables) to slowly ease yourself into self-confidence. If you need a quick win to boost your confidence before a big boy meeting or just in general in life try women that display one or maybe two (at the most) of the following features:

  • Cellulite
  • Pimples
  • Weird boobs
  • Unusually large foreheads
  • Feminism
  • Broad feet
  • Unshaven Legs (commonly confused with “feminist”)
  • Arm fat
  • Sweat
  • Wearing sweats
  • Short eyelashes
  • Long earlobes
    All these features are indicative of a desperate need for any male attention.

Some men will dislike you but remember…

Any guy who tells you that you are being disrespectful, is annoyed because your pick-up needs are holding up a line, says anything negative about you is JEALOUS. Pay no heed to this type of sub-man and do your alpha thang with pride.

Remember that no girl can resist a confident man.

It’s all about hormones and women are designed (in the vagina) to respond to a confident man. Confidence is the key to everything. You must not ask for things, you must demand them. You must not ask permission, you must take it. You are a god and will get things (ie; women) because you are entitled to them. Do not show weakness or self-doubt. It doesn’t matter what you are feeling inside, slap on some anti-perspirant and channel your inner Adonis. Women want a man with steel balls. They still want to live in caves and gather berries.

You must not waste too much time on a girl.

Develop a test that will tell you within fifteen minutes whether she is worth your penis-time. There is nothing a woman can tell you that you can’t learn in fifteen minutes from her body language. Don’t waste your time on undesirables, or words.

For closing, some quick helpful guidelines:

  • Practice every day. Aim at approaching a 1000 women per year.
  • The average success rate (ie; successful intercourse with a woman) is 3% for people who are on top of their game, don’t worry so much if it seems like women are slapping you or reporting you to the police everywhere you go.
  • Don’t walk too fast. Confident men don’t walk fast, they strut their stuff. Confident men aren’t in a hurry to get anywhere. Trains wait for them.
  • Lesbians are a myth, just try harder. Never give up.
  • Be a little mysterious. If a girl shows that she is interested, show her that you have other options and don’t be too eager to respond. Women are stupid and can be baited like monkeys.
  • Don’t talk too fast. Confident men talk s-l-o-w-l-y. Also women are slow at processing.
  • Be confident.
  • Approach women at 45 degree angle so that they see you not looking at them. Every man who is disinterested is a dream man.
  • Don’t smile too much, might make it seem like you care.
  • Women are attracted to shiny things so when in doubt put on a silver shirt.

Before I leave you, here is the most important rule of all:

Condoms and lawyers are your best friends. Don’t cheap out on either.

Published by thejadedpamphleteer

Women's rights activist. Journalist. Writer. Pamphleteer. Cat obsessed.

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