Dating apps are the dark, disgusting hole of the internet. We’re all there and we all hate being there. We’ve all met some characters. Allow me to share the stories of the ten most ridiculous ones I have met over the years.
Unfortunately written by Aarushi Ahluwalia
Bachelor No. 1
Otherwise Known As: The Imposter Who Wasn’t Very Good At Imposting
He seemed decent enough. Had a picture of of him riding a bike. Looked fit. Worked a boring job, but don’t we all?
Of course when I suggested we could take a bike ride he revealed that he had never ridden a bike in his life and that was just a picture of some random guy.
“Best” Part of The Conversation“: “There’s no rule that says the person in the picture has to be you”
This is why we need to read the TOUs!
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Bachelorette No. 2
Otherwise Known As: Miss 0 to 60 like that.
We had a short conversation. Very short because I was running late for yoga. I cannot stress how short this conversation was.
When I came back from yoga I didn’t check in until a few hours later.
And I was met with this:
Hey.
Hi.
How are you?
Hi.
Hello?
Are you there?
Why don’t you reply?
Not to pressure you or anything, but for each minute you don’t reply one puppy gets crushed under the boot of Adolf Hitler.
“Best” part of the conversation: ^^^ I mean, really, do you even have to ask?
She seemed so normal. Okay, hot.
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Bachelor No. 3
Otherwise Known As: The Guy Who Went Too Far With His Theory
Everything about him seemed normal until he asked me why I would date a person who had an STD. I guess I answered one of those OkC questions that they use to measure “compatibility”.
I told him that STDs can be mostly managed in a way that you don’t infect your partner if you’re honest about them and that sexual contact doesn’t necessarily have to be limited to PIV.
Somehow he took that to mean that I wanted to infect people.
“Best” Part of The Conversation: People who are HIV positive should just never have sex.
People who have shit opinions should never open their mouths?
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Bachelor No. 4
Otherwise Known As: The Saviour of Heathen Souls.
The first message I got from this person read: THIS is what you write on your profile????
I asked him which part he was referring to and he informed me that he took issue with all of it but the part that really ticked him off was the bit about looking for casual relationships.
He wanted me to know that when women present themselves like I do, we insult the whole country. The whole country’s dignity is in my hands, you guys. Country’s officially a whore.
“Best” Part of The Conversation: If you insult yourself like this, the men will obviously also insult you.
Those are the rules. Let’s pack up our cute little fliers and go home. Equality has been achieved. Now it’s time to focus on self-respect and I obviously need rehab to be weened from my morally reprehensible habit of casual sex. I hope they teach me about the Tennets of Good Wholesome Clothing (women’s edition, edited to make it easier to read, contains free lipstick samples).
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Bachelor No. 5
Otherwise Known As: Mr. I Make All of The Rules in all of The World.
So this guy led with the fact that he is married. I talk to married men because I want to understand cheating. It’s a personal project.
So I asked him some questions about why he cheats, what prompts the cheating bla bla and he told me in a nutshell, it’s because he’s hornier than his wife. When I asked him if being dishonest felt like a weight he carried around, he..went a little batshit.
30 messages to explain that just because his wife doesn’t know doesn’t mean he is cheating.
No, I didn’t mistype.
“Best” Part of The Conversation: It’s not cheating if I don’t consider it cheating.
That’s right, baby. Read that marriage contract you signed?
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Bachelor No. 6
Otherwise Known As: Funny Guy, Until He’s Not.
So this guy replied to a part of my profile that mentions my partner and the fact that I love him. This guy says: You know, love doesn’t last, love is dead.
I asked him why he thought so.
He said: I’m still not over Brangelina.
I laughed a little and thought there were funny people in the world.
But, of course, it was all just a prelude to asking if he could put his mouth on my genitals and kiss them until they cry. Barf.
“Best” Part of The Conversation: “I’m still not over Brangelina.”
I’m still not over those words he said to me. Barf. Barf.
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Bachelor No. 7
Otherwise Known As: His Name was Warrior_of_Christ.
His name was Warrior of Christ.
“Best” Part of The Conversation: His name was Warrior of Christ!!
Still not over it.
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Bachelor and Bachelorette No. 8 and 9
Otherwise Known As: We’re a “couple” wink, wink
This guy, extremely legit seeming guy contacted me, he had many pictures up (with his partner) on his profile which was clearly written and not cheesy as fuck.
They both seemed nice enough. They like hotels by lakes and hiking. Nice enough. You want something in common with the people who you screw around with, but how much do you really need in common to lick someone’s butt? Like, really, how much? Lakes and hiking, that’s enough for me. Love lakes, love em. Grew up hiking, love it too.
Of course it’s not the commonalities that mattered in this case but the fact that they were both married to separate people.
“Best” Part of The Conversation: “You should know we’re both separately married.”
Help two people cheat in one fuck. Tempting. But I’ll pass because it will also equal two spouses who wish me dead. That’s two too many.
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Bachelor No. 10
Otherwise Known As: The Guy Who Could Jerk Off To A Technicality
He was 27. I was 28.
He says to me: How about talking to a younger guy and seeing how it goes?
Obviously I am worried that he’s probably 15 so I talk a little to ensure he isn’t.
He isn’t.
He says he likes older women.
I tell him a year older doesn’t really count in that regard.
He says it doesn’t matter as long as she’s older.
I ask what if I were six months older.
Still counts.
One day counts too.
I’m an older woman. Ha. I knew I’d get there super fast.
“Best” Part of The Conversation: So what? A day older is still older. It’s hot. Older women are so hot.
I hope he was fucking with me.
.
.
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The internet. Consistently delivering the best of people. Merci. Thank goodness I’m 70% monogamously married. I tip my hat to the single people. The real heroes.
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The Pamphleteer 